Today's Jokes

The trial of the Underwear Bomber is over. He pleaded guilty after 2 days in court, saying TV writers make court appear more exciting than it really is. Imagine how disappointed he would have been at the number of virgins waiting for him on the other side?

According to a new Gallup poll, 40 percent of Americans say the death penalty isn’t applied nearly enough. I guess some people are still pissed at Netflix.

As you all know Michelle Obama was spotted shopping at Target a couple weeks ago. Michelle Obama has now admitted that she sneaks of out the White House a lot. People don’t know this but, here’s a video of Michelle Obama at a Target on Black Friday last year. It was just posted on Youtube yesterday.

CUT TO:

INT. TARGET STORE – MORNING

A WOMAN is being held by two Secret Service agents. MICHELLE OBAMA is punching the woman in the gut over and over again.

MICHELLE OBAMA – Now, once again. (punch to the gut) Who gets the last $19 portable DVD player? (punch to the gut) Me or you? (punch to the gut) I can’t hear you? (punch to the gut)

WOMAN – You can have it.

MICHELLE OBAMA – Finally. This is for Malia's bedroom.

Mrs. Obama puts the box into her red shopping basket and turns to leave. The woman shouts after her.

WOMAN - Tell your husband I said hello.

The Secret Service agents drop the woman and they follow Mrs. Obama who is headed toward the cash registers.

According to a new survey, 80 percent of teen boys say they used a condom the first time they had sex. The other 20 percent said they preferred to have nothing between them and their bare hands.

Liberals say Herman Cain’s proposed 9-9-9 tax plan would hurt the poor. Wealthy conservatives say a 9-9-9 tax system without loopholes could raise their income taxes by as much as 9 percent.