Today's Monologue Jokes

50 percent of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. Suddenly, the obesity epidemic makes perfect sense.

A Michigan man allowed his 9-year-old daughter to drive to the store. He would have gotten away with it, but the girl went all Grand Theft Auto and tried to run over a prostitute and shoot a cop.

Actress Susan Sarandon said the Pope is a Nazi. The Vatican has asked that next time she say he is Hitler and not just a run of the mill Nazi minion.

When asked about building an electrified fence on the US-Mexican border, Herman Cain said he was just joking. Adding, “So a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar . . .”